| | I haven't written in a very long time, and quite a bit has happened in my life since then, but I won't bore anyone (as if anyone reads this) with the details.
I'm very annoyed with how life is going right now. I feel lost. I can do nothing to please anyone, mainly my professors, who ripped me apart during Sophomore Evaluations in the spring. Its so ridiculous to have my work ethic attacked after I did about 2 months of work in 3 weeks when I came back from having mono. Yes I know, talking about the mono thing is annoying, but I find it annoying that no one in the department wants to give me credit for continuing on and not taking a medical withdrawal from the semester as I was advised to do. What do they do instead? They put me on probation in my voice lessons and hold me to the same standards and time frame for passing the piano portion even though I petitioned the department. Not fair since piano was the one class I had to withdraw from, so due to illness, I was a semester behind. They were just really not kind, and honestly made enough of an impact that part of me did not even want to come back. It was nice because one of the professors emailed me and told me it was all going to be okay, but before I even came back they were starting in on me again. I got a letter from one of my professors saying that I need to work harder, and an email saying I had to pass all of my piano stuff the Friday before school started, just like everyone else who had failed portions of the sophomore eval. So I worked my butt off, but was still unable to pass a few portions. They were threatening to kick me out of my 300-level classes unless I passed the remaining portions by the next Friday. So of course I run into the professor who sent me the letter saying I need to work harder, and he said that apparently his letter didn't get through to me. I could not believe this!!!! I took lessons all summer and worked my butt off, but don't expect me to catch up on a class that was 2 hours a week with one half-hour lesson a week. Not exactly practical. I was able to pass the items on that Friday, but I have never been so terrified and stressed.
This takes us to now. Still on probation in my voice lessons and busier than ever in my classes. I try to work on voice when I have time, but sometimes I just listen to my songs and sing along an octave lower because I can do that while I write a paper or do other work. I'll admit that I don't practice as much as I should, but fitting in the time and doing it in the most productive way is challenging. I couldn't get my first 2 pieces memorized in time, and my voice teacher hugged me and said that I was well on my way to getting them learned. I was relieved that she was being nice about it; I knew my notes, but seeing as I had never had an accompanist in my lessons, I had never really done them up to speed. So when I'm struggling to remember German and the song is going by at 75mph, I'm going to have a HUGE difficulty remembering my words. Same with my French piece. I thought everything was going to be okay; I had worked on voice a lot that week and thought my lesson would be decent. It ended up being the worst lesson I have probably ever had. I should have known it was going to go badly when she seemed angry that I hadn't sang yet considering it was already 9am. She then got angry that I didn't memorize my 2 songs overnight, and didn't really take into consideration that I had a huge test to study for. It didn't help that when she wrote out my schedule, she saw that I have a big open spot on Mondays to practice, but of course, this week I actually had stuff to do for other classes during all that free time. She also went off on me for not having an accompanist yet, something that I have absolutely NO control over!! She had said the week before that she would see what was going on, that there were scheduling conflicts that they were trying to work out. Now it was suddenly my fault for not know who my accompanist was or why she wasn't there. And then, of course, I got yelled at for not practicing enough, which really bothered me because that week was the most I had practiced all semester!! I worked really hard on my two memory pieces, and she didn't even compliment the fact that I worked out and learned all of my runs that week. She decided to start new repertoire that day, and I hadn't had time to look at anything new because I had been working so hard on the other two pieces. So once again, she gets mad and says that it sounds like I haven't even looked at the pieces! Maybe if she wrote out a list to give to me I would know what my pieces are for the semester. So we stumbled through a new piece a few times, and she told me that if I don't practice more, I won't make it through the program. FANTASTIC!!!! Thanks for making my day amazing! Right before my big test too!! So this has led me to where I am today...and its not a good place.
Its incredibly difficult to believe in yourself when no one else does. I have no one to tell me that everything will be okay, and that I'm not a complete failure. Its even worse when your own voice teacher has so little faith in you. Nothing I do is good enough for her, and it makes it harder for me to even want to work harder because I know it will never be enough. Right now I just need someone to tell me that I can get through this and they aren't going to kick me out of the program. Someone to say that they believe in me. I need that more than anything right now, and I'm taking to my blog because I have no one to talk to anymore. When me and Matt broke up, I lost one of my biggest support systems that had been there since high school, even when we weren't dating. And this isn't me saying that I want him back or anything like that, I just miss having a good friend to talk to who would support me through anything. I do have friends that I can talk to and support me, but so many of them are so absorbed in their own drama that they don't even hear what I have to say. They make me feel like a burden. I feel like a burden on my roommate when I complain, and I often wonder if she goes to our other quadmate who is a good friend and complains about me. I know this makes me sound paranoid, but I hate feeling like they both bitch about me behind my back. I feel like a burden on everyone, even my mom sometimes. I feel useless, a complete waste, someone who is here but not good for anything. The third-wheel, someone who gets invited along because her roommate is invited and I'm just part of the package.
I guess the only thing I can do is try my hardest and show them all what I'm capable of. I can't rely on the support of other. I can't be co-dependent. I should be able to motivate myself and say "I am amazing, and I am capable of anything I put my mind to." But sometimes the world makes it so damn hard.
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| | Posted 9/28/2008 1:01 AM - 2 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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