Possessed_Dustpan's Xanga

Somehow things have to get better...

Sun, 28 Sep 2008 05:01:58 GMT

I haven't written in a very long time, and quite a bit has happened in my life since then, but I won't bore anyone (as if anyone reads this) with the details.

I'm very annoyed with how life is going right now. I feel lost. I can do nothing to please anyone, mainly my professors, who ripped me apart during Sophomore Evaluations in the spring. Its so ridiculous to have my work ethic attacked after I did about 2 months of work in 3 weeks when I came back from having mono. Yes I know, talking about the mono thing is annoying, but I find it annoying that no one in the department wants to give me credit for continuing on and not taking a medical withdrawal from the semester as I was advised to do. What do they do instead? They put me on probation in my voice lessons and hold me to the same standards and time frame for passing the piano portion even though I petitioned the department. Not fair since piano was the one class I had to withdraw from, so due to illness, I was a semester behind. They were just really not kind, and honestly made enough of an impact that part of me did not even want to come back. It was nice because one of the professors emailed me and told me it was all going to be okay, but before I even came back they were starting in on me again. I got a letter from one of my professors saying that I need to work harder, and an email saying I had to pass all of my piano stuff the Friday before school started, just like everyone else who had failed portions of the sophomore eval. So I worked my butt off, but was still unable to pass a few portions. They were threatening to kick me out of my 300-level classes unless I passed the remaining portions by the next Friday. So of course I run into the professor who sent me the letter saying I need to work harder, and he said that apparently his letter didn't get through to me. I could not believe this!!!! I took lessons all summer and worked my butt off, but don't expect me to catch up on a class that was 2 hours a week with one half-hour lesson a week. Not exactly practical. I was able to pass the items on that Friday, but I have never been so terrified and stressed.

This takes us to now. Still on probation in my voice lessons and busier than ever in my classes. I try to work on voice when I have time, but sometimes I just listen to my songs and sing along an octave lower because I can do that while I write a paper or do other work. I'll admit that I don't practice as much as I should, but fitting in the time and doing it in the most productive way is challenging. I couldn't get my first 2 pieces memorized in time, and my voice teacher hugged me and said that I was well on my way to getting them learned. I was relieved that she was being nice about it; I knew my notes, but seeing as I had never had an accompanist in my lessons, I had never really done them up to speed. So when I'm struggling to remember German and the song is going by at 75mph, I'm going to have a HUGE difficulty remembering my words. Same with my French piece. I thought everything was going to be okay; I had worked on voice a lot that week and thought my lesson would be decent. It ended up being the worst lesson I have probably ever had. I should have known it was going to go badly when she seemed angry that I hadn't sang yet considering it was already 9am. She then got angry that I didn't memorize my 2 songs overnight, and didn't really take into consideration that I had a huge test to study for. It didn't help that when she wrote out my schedule, she saw that I have a big open spot on Mondays to practice, but of course, this week I actually had stuff to do for other classes during all that free time. She also went off on me for not having an accompanist yet, something that I have absolutely NO control over!! She had said the week before that she would see what was going on, that there were scheduling conflicts that they were trying to work out. Now it was suddenly my fault for not know who my accompanist was or why she wasn't there. And then, of course, I got yelled at for not practicing enough, which really bothered me because that week was the most I had practiced all semester!! I worked really hard on my two memory pieces, and she didn't even compliment the fact that I worked out and learned all of my runs that week. She decided to start new repertoire that day, and I hadn't had time to look at anything new because I had been working so hard on the other two pieces. So once again, she gets mad and says that it sounds like I haven't even looked at the pieces! Maybe if she wrote out a list to give to me I would know what my pieces are for the semester. So we stumbled through a new piece a few times, and she told me that if I don't practice more, I won't make it through the program. FANTASTIC!!!! Thanks for making my day amazing! Right before my big test too!! So this has led me to where I am today...and its not a good place.

Its incredibly difficult to believe in yourself when no one else does. I have no one to tell me that everything will be okay, and that I'm not a complete failure. Its even worse when your own voice teacher has so little faith in you. Nothing I do is good enough for her, and it makes it harder for me to even want to work harder because I know it will never be enough. Right now I just need someone to tell me that I can get through this and they aren't going to kick me out of the program. Someone to say that they believe in me. I need that more than anything right now, and I'm taking to my blog because I have no one to talk to anymore. When me and Matt broke up, I lost one of my biggest support systems that had been there since high school, even when we weren't dating. And this isn't me saying that I want him back or anything like that, I just miss having a good friend to talk to who would support me through anything. I do have friends that I can talk to and support me, but so many of them are so absorbed in their own drama that they don't even hear what I have to say. They make me feel like a burden. I feel like a burden on my roommate when I complain, and I often wonder if she goes to our other quadmate who is a good friend and complains about me. I know this makes me sound paranoid, but I hate feeling like they both bitch about me behind my back. I feel like a burden on everyone, even my mom sometimes. I feel useless, a complete waste, someone who is here but not good for anything. The third-wheel, someone who gets invited along because her roommate is invited and I'm just part of the package.

I guess the only thing I can do is try my hardest and show them all what I'm capable of. I can't rely on the support of other. I can't be co-dependent. I should be able to motivate myself and say "I am amazing, and I am capable of anything I put my mind to." But sometimes the world makes it so damn hard.

Together...

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 02:36:16 GMT

we are perfection.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Mon, 10 Dec 2007 15:58:12 GMT

I guess its starting to look like I really am the power hungry person you seemed to think I was.

I hate that everything is out my hands now. That one horrific moment can so completely impact and change your life in such a drastic way. Maybe I'm over-reacting and over-analyzing as you seem to think I am. But there is a palpable disconnection in our relationship. You may not see it, but like you said, you are in a separate world right now; a world that does not involve me, or any of us really. You're living in your own personal hell trying to sort out and deal with what you saw. I know I personally would be horrified, and would probably also become very introverted, minus my sobbing to you and my mother about how I felt, because I personally would drive myself crazy with emotion.

And now everything is different. I understand why you are the way you are at the moment. BELIEVE ME, I do. Understanding and liking it, however, are two completely different things. As I have told you, it is really difficult for me right now. I just want to be here for you and I wish that your way of dealing with this would be the same way I would deal with it. I wish you would be able to come to me and talk to me and let me try to help you through this, because we truly can get through anything together. Please remember that I am here through thick and thin, and although it gets difficult for me emotionally sometimes, I don't want to go anywhere. You're stuck with me until the day that you pull the plug. I love you you more than anything, and I want to be able to give you the space and time you need.

But I'm selfish. And I want things to be the way they were now. I want happy. I want joking. I want to feel the love. I want that overwhelming feeling of knowing that this is everything I could ever want and need. But right now I'm insecure again, because I guess I am mistaking your introvertedness as a lack of love and caring.

I sound like such an unsupportive and heartless girlfriend right now. I guess I just feel like a slightly neglected one right now, and once again, I UNDERSTAND why. I'm just going to be here if and when you're ready to talk, and try to support you the best I can right now. I'll try my hardest to just let you have the time you need. I love you more than I could ever possibly say, and I just want everything with you to be okay. And I know it will be okay again someday. And until then, know that there is nothing that will make me stop loving you, and I will always be here.

(and if you ever leave me...i will find you )

So dark...so dark...

Wed, 05 Sep 2007 02:02:07 GMT

So...the long distance thing wasn't supposed to be an issue this year. But now I don't get to see you until fall break, and that just isn't fair to either of us. I'm not saying I want to break up, far from it, but I honestly don't think I can make it another 6 weeks without seeing you. This is supposed to make us stronger, right? Well, this whole missing someone 24-7 and being reminded of the piece of my heart that is missing on nearly an hourly basis makes it difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I try to keep my blinders on, but yeah, I notice the attractive boys. Right now they're convenient; a slight attraction that I would never act on, but is refreshing just to make me aware that I can still feel. And I do feel guilty about it, but I'm sure you understand that not having you here makes my life difficult. I got to a point where not having you around was normal, and I don't want that feeling. I am so terrified that not seeing you is going to cause something to fade. Maybe I'm just weak...

But I'm weak for you

Same Old Story

Wed, 25 Jul 2007 03:36:53 GMT

I count my chickens before they hatch. Give it up, Courtney. Sure, now he says that he will be lonely and that you will forget about him, leaving him alone in his apartment. Once we get there, its going to be the complete opposite. He'll have a few friends his age there, and then he'll meet a beautiful girl and forget the plans we made this summer: to actually hang out and see each other...and cure the other of loneliness when needed. I think I'm going to be the one in need of a cure, and he just won't be there. Story of my life. I mean, its just one more person who is not going to be there when I need him, so it shouldn't come as much of a shock when it happens.

and.it.will.happen

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 05:04:16 GMT

Tom Hewitt is still in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. Ohhhhh....Em.....Gee....

Nothing Lasts

Fri, 16 Feb 2007 03:13:21 GMT

Confidence and Trust: 2 things I need a lot more of...mainly confidence. Oh well, I'm working on it. It's difficult, but I really am trying.

I've been sick since Saturday morning, and today was my first full day of classes this week. Thank God this week went by fast. How many more until Spring Break? I'm ready to go home now...ready to be done with this semester and get home. Its so weird. A year ago I was whining about how badly I wanted to get the hell out of Merrillville, and now its the one place I want to go. I actually miss my highschool. I'm guessing its because spring is coming. Not only is it my favorite season in general, but it was always my favorite time of the school year. And no, it wasn't because school was getting out soon. Everything is just...better during spring. The days are longer. You don't have to miss every hour of daylight because you drove to school in the dark and had to stay after school until at least 5:30, meaning the sun had already set by the time you left.

I remember spring always being great, but difficult. Balancing school work, a giant choir concert, and tennis. It seemed so annoying, stressful, and hard back then, especially junior and senior year. Yet looking back, I wouldn't change anything. I loved playing tennis. I haven't played in nearly two years, and I regret not getting out there. I didn't play senior year because I got a lead in the spring play (Thanks Jacki). And although it did seem wonderful at the time...I now realize that I missed out on my senior year on the tennis team. All those memories, inside jokes, bus rides, matches, the chance at varsity....I gave up to sit on the dusty stage day after day doing the same lines over and over. Don't get me wrong: I loved it. I met incredible new people and made some great friends. I mean, people I never thought I would be good friends with were suddenly the people I was walking down the halls with. I hope that feeling of hope and new beginnings and that odd feeling of love that seems to come with spring doesn't disappear with high school. I want to feel that hope. That anticipation that something great is coming. Sure, I don't get to go to prom again or do the whole dress thing (altho i SWEAR i'm dragging Kaitlin around to try on some dresses ), but I will be home in time to go to the Grand March and basically live through my friends that are still in high school. I'll be home to go to tennis matches with my old tennis friends. I anticipated spring to be so bleak, but I forget that I get out of school the first week of May. I'll be home for all of those things that I loved and cherished in high school. One sad thing is that I will probably cry more at this spring choir concert than i did when I graduated...mainly because my director, my inspiration, basically my mentor, is retiring. What a loss for the school. Melinda will do great...but without Mr. Emig, that choir will never be the same.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Thu, 25 Jan 2007 19:37:43 GMT

So, since my last depressing entry, I'm glad to say that I am much happier now. Overwhelmed with my 17.5 credit hours, but still happy for the most part. And I get to go home next weekend, which makes me even happier!! At least now I don't have to wait months to go home and sing what I want...i only had to wait 2 weeks, so yippee for that! So yeah...everything is good.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Mon, 08 Jan 2007 08:44:16 GMT

Maybe if I wrote here more I wouldn't feel like such a worthless, un-loved piece of shit anymore. And that feeling started getting old about 6 months ago. I'm tired of hating who I've become, and feeling like there is nothing and no one in this world for me.

I miss the days when I used to be happy on a day to day basis.
I miss not feeling bitter every day.
I miss being random and not giving a damn what people think.
I miss the days when I actully had confidence...as little as it may have been.
I miss feeling like I actually have talent and potential.
I miss the days when I slept in because I was tired, not because I didn't want to have to deal with my life.
I miss not feeling constantly exhausted, no matter how much sleep I get.
I miss feeling pretty.
I miss feeling like I have friends who actually care about me and my well-being.
I miss being carefree.
I miss the days when being poor just meant you had to stay home on the weekends, not that you would be paying off loans for the rest of your life.
I miss finding joy and happiness in the small, stupid things I used to.

I miss who I used to be.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Sun, 17 Dec 2006 00:33:20 GMT

This is the time of year when i start realizing just how much i miss people

but i never thought i would be missing him